Corona Thugs-N-Hosery

Friday night I went to The Hose to check out the Amateur Strip Contest and general debauchery. The Hose is the newest gay dive bar in the East Village, and is trying to build a reputation for sleazy fun. TightLips, J-Blo and I wandered Avenue B for a bit before discovering the unmarked door that led up a steep staircase to the party’s main room. It was very crowded, with a mix of east village hipsters, grungesters, and handlebar moustache-ers, to the endless amusement of my friends. The “strip contest” was a disorganized 15-minute mess of guys awkwardly dropping their pants while the mentally unstable whack-job of a host shouted insults at them. Unique, anyway.

There were a few cute guys there, and after the tragedy of the contest (which no one seemd to ‘win’) I chatted with one of the cute ones, who turned out to be an actor/singer/dancer. Of course.

“That strip contest was awful,” said TripleThreat.

“They don’t make em like they used to,” I agreed.

“Remember Boysroom?” he asked.

“Yes!” I cried. “Now that place was FUN. They knew how to have a strip contest.”

“Oh I know,” replied TripleThreat. “I was in it once.”

I could sense a good story was coming.

“So I was out with friends, drunk, and they convince me to join the contest,” he said. “I must have done well, because it came down to just me and one other guy. Now, this other guy... was like my opposite. I’m your little gay white-boy dancer, and he’s this big black muscle guy dressed like... well, a thug. So they call us back on stage for the final round, and I go first. And I dance my ass off (while flashing my ass to everybody), doing splits, leg over my head, I mean all out. I finish, the crowd loves it, and I’m thinking I’ve got this in the bag. So Thug comes up, and he’s just kinda standing there, all attitude, drinking his Corona. For like half the song he seriously just stands there drinking his beer. Then finally, he puts the beer bottle down on the stage, turns around, drops his pants ... and sits on the bottle. Then he stands up, with the Corona in his ass, and starts thrusting the bottle in and out of his hole. I just turned around and started to walk out. And my friends stopped me, thinking I might still win! One was like, ‘Do you want a Corona?’”

“Wow,” I sighed. “I miss that place.”