Straight Show with David's Othermen

My life is pretty gay. I hang out with gay people, I go to gay bars, I go on gay vacations ... I even eat gay food. (If you doubt that last one, you should have been at Bay Bar on Fire Island when the gay sitting next to me announced, as the artichoke margherita ricotta pizza he'd ordered was set down in front of him, "This is the gayest pizza ever.")

So, it always comes as a shock to the system when I hang out with The Straight Friends. It's true, I have very few, and most are co-workers. But this group is special - these are 4 friends who I have known since high school. Four straight guys, all from northern New Jersey, who basically grew up together. Somehow, we manage to get together once or twice a year, and we always have a great time.

It shouldn't really be a shock. It's just like hanging out with the gays: lots of crass drunken talk about sex and dating. Except certain words get substituted in conversation: 'Tits' gets used where I'd usually expect to hear 'pecs.' 'Pussy' where 'ass' would usually be (unless they are really lucky.) And perhaps most jarring: 'beer' instead of 'cosmopolitan'.

The thing about my friends is: they're really, really funny.

M: Dude, I dunno. We've been dating for a couple years, and we've gotten into the Boring Sex Phase.

S: Ohhhhhh! I HATE the Boring Sex Phase.

J: Totally sucks.

M: I know.

S: When it happened to me, that was it. I started getting sex somewhere else.

M: Dude. I wouldn't cheat on her.

J: Wow. You're the hero of my Victorian novel.

I nearly spit my vodka soda all over the bar from laughing so hard. Somehow, 10 minutes later, it got better.

S: Germany was awesome. The architecture was like, seriously cool, the food was good, and we had a rockin time at the clubs!

J: Dude. Did you get laid?

S: Fuck yea! Holy shit you guys. This German girl - beautiful. Like unbelievable. And then I get her NAKED... she had the most beautifully trimmed pussy I've ever seen in my life. I mean, I went to museums... But this. This was Art.

Again I laughed hysterically. I wanted to roll my eyes, but it would have been hypocritical. I've probably had a very similar conversation on Fire Island.